If all goes well, I will be part in a documentary called “Love and BDSM” on German television and talk about how BDSM is not all creepy dungeons and pay Dominas :D
I just talked to the producer and will be having a more thorough interview on Thursday. This is a big step for me, I mean..it’s an outing on national television. However, I feel that it is the duty of the young BDSM folk to educate others and to somehow increase tolerance when it comes to everything that is considered “unusual” sex-wise.
Soooo excited! Fingers crossed that they will choose me out of the other volunteers (looks good, though).
I have started coloring in order to distract myself from.possible sad thoughts. And because I am an adult, I am using a coloring book for grownups :D
Oh, and Jessica: I still love you for sending me this
For those few of you who are wondering why I am not posting so much personal stuff at the moment and blog rather irregularly:
There is a lot going on in my life right now. I am dealing with the aftermaths of my depression. I am trying to finish my studies that I hated ever since I began them. I am working a lot so that I can pay all the bills that come floating in.
Also, there are a lot of changes going on with me right now. I have stepped into a wonderful community that helps me find out who I truly am inside. I have met my Sir who is so good for me in ways I can’t even express. I have started to open up emotionally, something I never thought was possible. This is an exhausting process, though. Sometimes, my emotions are just overwhelmingly present these days and I still don’t know how to deal with them properly. I am very grateful that he and my new (and the important old) friends support me so much right now, as I wouldn’t know what to do without them.
On top of that, my body decided to go full tango illness-wise. I have practically been sick for the last 6 months or so, running from one disease into the other. I have major issues with my stomach and my circulation at the moment and have a shitload of doctor’s appointments ahead of me these days.
Anyhow, I am glad that I am finally taking steps to get my shit together and to find out what is going on with my body.
If all goes well, I will start writing my Bachelor’s thesis in August and start the Master end of October. If all goes well, I can then start a new episode of my life. A happier one…
Closure.
Some of you know that all my life I had been dreaming of joining the German Navy and maybe one day be the captain of my own ship. Ever since I can remember, this was my goal in life. I pictured myself, proudly wearing my uniform, telling my loved ones goodbye whenever we set sail.
Part of this dream was one particular ship. The ship that we all longed for.
The school ship of the German Navy: The Gorch Fock.
Named after German writer Johann Kinau (whose pseudonym was Gorch Fock), this ship was and still is a fix part of basic training since 1958 (the first Gorch Fock was built in 1933).
It is a three-masted barque and has taken on the role of “Embassador of the German Navy”. The distinctive figurehead, the albatross, is known all over the world.
This ship, to me, is true beauty and the mere thought of sailing on it gave me goosebumps.
However, I never got that chance. During my youth, I overdid it quite a bit when it came to sports. Some might even say that this was my own way of self-harm and it properly ruined my body for all eternity. Just before I finished school and was so close to finally fulfilling my dream, I got another real bad injury that added to those I already had suffered from the past years. This one ruined my dream. I wasn’t fit for duty anymore. The recruiting officer couldn’t believe what I said when I called him back and told him that I wouldn’t be able to join. All of a sudden, my dream popped like a soap bubble. That was it, no chance to ever join the Navy. Never.
When this realization hit me, I cried. I cried a lot. I got angry, too. Angry at the world for being so unfair to me, angry at myself for being so stupid. Never have I felt such desperation in my life and I am not sure whether I will ever again. I always knew what to do with my life. I thought I knew what I was there for, what my purpose was, but this purpose was taken from me and it left me desperate and depressed.
Soon after, I went to get a tat that says “Semper Fidelis”. I always admired the brotherhood of the USMC, loyalty is one of my strongest character traits. I had this tat done because I wanted something to remind me of its value. A memorial for my dream, that one dream I couldn’t let go and I’m not sure if I ever will.
I started to go to university soon after. Too soon, if you’d ask me now. I jumped onto the next best thing I was good at. Languages. I didn’t bother to look for different fields of study. Why would I? Nothing could truly satisfy me (at least that’s what I thought at that time).
This was the worst decision I have made in my life so far. It got me severely depressed.
I should have taken my time, I know that now. I should have allowed myself to deal with this loss, but I didn’t know how to cope with emotions so I did what I always did: shove them away. I struggled through the first few semesters, finding it hard to motivate myself to get anything done. I was endlessly bored and at the same time exhausted because I had to work to pay all the university fees. A dangerous combo. I have always been the A-grade type of student but when I look at the grade that I will leave university with, I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like I have wasted 13 years of hard work at school, ruining it with this Bachelor’s degree. I know that I have no choice but to continue studying to get my Master of Arts. I know that I will have to concentrate this time. I know that I have to find something that has the capacity of keeping my attention and interest.
I know that I have to move on. There is nothing I can change about what happened and even if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t. I know there is sense in this somewhere, I just haven’t found it yet.
So why am I writing this longass post?
Because yesterday, I was finally able to go on board. The port of Hamburg was celebrating its birthday and a whole lot of ships from all over the world came. The Gorch Fock was one of them and it was open for all visitors.
I guess I looked pretty stupid all the time because I had this bigass grin on my face, which got even bigger the closer I got to the ship. I couldn’t believe it when I touched it, looked at it, felt it. I was standing there and had to struggle hard not to let my emotions crash me down. I tried to shove all those feelings aside that weren’t happiness. I wanted to truly cherish the moment and I did.
This is as close as I will ever get. There is nothing more I can do now. I need to let this part of me rest in peace. I need to move on, for the sake of myself and those around me. I need closure and I think I have found it yesterday.
I realize now, that my life may not have turned out the way I wanted it to, but I nonetheless have the right to happiness. I have loads of lovely friends that support me no matter what I do and I should finally find a new goal. And I will. I am 22 years old and my life is not over yet. I am burdoned with glorious purpose…so let’s find out what purpose this is!
Sir and I went to watch STID (and the first movie before that) in the cinema yesterday evening. I have to say: it was entertaining but nothing too extraordinary. The plot was very very predictable if you ask me (and I had no Star Trek knowledge whatsoever beforehand).
Butterscotch Chocolatechips was definitely the best actor, though this also might be because the other characters were rather…well…flat?
This has happened to me how many times before?
Oh yeah. Right. NEVER.
And I don’t understand why there is a grey box in my last post because there isn’t even supposed to be a pic there?!
